Time for a nitecap

I made a list of my 12 favorite posts on the sidebar, under Past Rants. I feel that these are the most thought provoking topics that have been posted here.

I spent most of the day writing an essay about what happens to "forever families" in the Mormon worldview. Should be ready to present tomorrow or Saturday. Includes some personal perspective from my own experiences, not something I do a lot of since being burned by someone else long ago. (still stings sometimes). Trying to write about something deeply personal without offending someone who might read it is extremely difficult, I've discovered. Even when you attempt to call it 'poetic license', unless you call it a work of fiction in the beginning, people will read into your story and see themselves in it, then rail upon you for talking about them in an open forum on the internet, sharing personal details. I did the best I could to eliminate that problem by talking in a future tense, but no matter what you do, if you talk about somebody and you have less than 5 star reviews, you're gonna catch hell.

There has been utter silence on my blog for about two weeks. My most common visitors have ceased their rounds. In a way I'm happy about that. It means I won't be getting lecture number #72 when I see them again. But in a way I'm a little disappointed. Obviously I said something here that they did NOT like, and they can't come to grips with it, or want to set it on the shelf, so that means no more stopping by seeing what I'm going on about today. But, I always said, if you don't like what I am saying, your choice is to quit reading it. So, they took me at my word and stopped checking up on me. I could have been saying anything I wanted about them in the last two weeks, and I haven't. Which should prove to them that this is not a personal vendetta against them, but the rants and exposure of the LDS corporation and it's leaders who continually deny their doctrines and whitewash their exterior, hoping to suck in more unsuspecting converts and slowly take away all individuality. (This is known as assimilation in Star Trek-ease, See: The Borg)

That's why I have sometimes taken to calling the Mormon Church the "Morg", because after spending over 20 years within the system, I can understand how individuality is suppressed, intellectualism is degraded as a trait not to be desired, and feminism is akin to Satanism. To be a good member of the church, one must become as a little child, fully submissive to the teachings and direction of those called to positions of authority. The Bishop of each ward is often referred to as the 'father of the ward' and is personally responsible for maintaining the flow of information within his 200+ membership. If he discovers someone is teaching outside of the proper manuals, and inserting their own thoughts into the discussions, it is up to him to dissuade that behaviour and admonish those teaching to 'stick to the manual'. Discussing such topics as 'mother in heaven' , 'Jesus as a married man' and ' whether God personally fathered his Only Begotten through the Virgin Mary' are topics that are very taboo within the ward discussions, but even asking stake or mission leaders these questions to clarify the teachings will result in obfuscation and denial.

Members are told not to worry about the particulars, be glad you have the gospel you have been presented, and don't forget to keep your tithing current so you can attend our next ward temple trip. There is always something going on in the church to keep you occupied, so you won't have the time or energy to take a deep look at WHAT they are teaching you. If you have the time to question, you must not be focused on your callings enough, or studying enough, or praying enough, or reading enough, because if you were doing these things, you wouldn't be questioning the teachings because you would already KNOW the answers to these items. See how I just spun it around to be YOUR fault? Now, go back to your position and keep quiet, or you'll be cast as a troublemaker and have your callings taken away, or get disfellowshipped.

This is a great threat to the member, because they have already sacrificed a great deal to belong to this system. Any chance that they could loose their status as a full member, or have their temple recommend revoked for transgressing against the "Lord's Anointed" is actively avoided. Those that believe that their children and grandchildren's eternal destiny lies in how well their parents raise them and the examples they set for them wouldn't dare upset those in authority over them, so in doing so they become as little children themselves, always worrying about how they are judged worthy, and if they could do more to please the Bishop or gain attention from the Stake President.

This cycle of always striving to be worthy is further complicated when some little tidbit of information passes by that doesn't exactly confirm what they had previously been taught. Instead of asking about it, and getting answers, they are afraid they will look like they are doubting what they are taught, so these questions sit on a shelf and get ignored. Most of the time, unless that member is extra careful and diligent, the number of questions that never get answered accumulate to the point of overload, and either they get answered from WHATEVER THE SOURCE, or a kind of split occurs: The Secular and the Religious Me.

The Secular Me can go about daily life without thinking at all about church. Day to day tasks can be dealt with and bills get paid. When Friday night rolls around, thoughts turn towards what will be required on the Sabbath and the gears get switched to the Religious Me.

This is where fantasy role-playing comes in. The whole of the church seems full of insincere well-wishing, plastic smiles, and marching to the same tune. Dress alike, act alike, talk alike, and if one woman dares to wear (gasp!) dress slacks to church, or even (gag!) a cross necklace, well it's all they can do just to get through the rest of the day's meetings. Every member judges every other member, constantly comparing themselves to others in order to make sure that their level of conformity is in sync with the rest of the group. If one person makes a scene, asks an uncomfortable question, or refuses to partake of the sacrament, the WHOLE ward will notice, and the gossip will not cease. Before you know it, the Bishop has you in the office, asking you why you are questioning the lessons, and why you can't follow the formula.

Those that get emotionally distraught enough will feign a headache, or some sort of constant malady in order to avoid such judgmental harassment by the members. I have seen more than one Bishop's wife avoid going to church because of the emotional toll it takes on her as a model for all the other women of the ward. Others will be just fine all morning, make it through the meetings and then be uncontrollable fit-throwing monsters the rest of the day, with so much anger and misplaced anxiety, they can't deal with it internally so they take it out on their children and spouses once the meetings are over. It's quite the emotional roller-coaster, and for those members who continue this cycle, they only keep coming back for more, because they believe there is something wrong with them, something they aren't understanding or applying in their lives that they would be able grasp if they just tried HARDER to get it.

"The church is perfect, but the people aren't?" Well, what is church if it isn't a group of people? What about the church is perfect, those that lead or those that follow? And if you work hard enough, do you think you'll actually get to be one of those that lead? Is that the point?

I have issues, people. And it's mostly due to the fact that my family is fractured. There's the majority of us, the 'non' believers or GENTILES, and then there's them, the three people who are left in the church trying to become perfect, striving to be accepted and worthy and privately condemning the rest of us for failing to follow the 'prophet'. In a sense, my other family members are better off than I am, simply for the fact that I have been baptised, endowed, sealed and otherwise fulfilled in the church. AND I chose to leave it. Which makes me SURELY bound for the realm of "outer darkness", having denied the spirit. On the other hand, those who have not embraced the teachings, and became endowed and sealed will still get their chance in the afterlife.

See how much better off I would have been if the Mormons hadn't gotten their mitts on me? Now, because of their lies, my Mormon family members think I am doomed to hell, and they are better than me because their 'testimony' can't be shaken. This elevates their perception of themselves and their place in the world, because it has been instilled in them to believe they are a chosen people, simply for their convictions and their beliefs in the system. If they were to question their beliefs, and consequently lose their testimony, why, they would be no better than anyone else in the world, and some people just can't lower themselves to that level. Believing you're special makes your sacrifices mean something, and finding out you're not special makes all that sacrifice of time, money, energy, thought and devotion a completely utter waste of time. Nobody wants to believe they got duped. NO ONE wants to hear BAD NEWS. But, I think its 1000% better to get the REAL story, no matter how sickening it is to hear it, than to live your entire life believing in something that has no foundation, OTHER THAN the testimony of its members.

I also think that because of this separation between me and these family members, it gives the perception that I am rejecting THEM as people. I don't think I would be spending so much time on this if it wasn't for my concern for their well-being, and I know what a mindfuck it can be having to fit all this contradictory religious teaching into a reasoning, logical brain. Something's gotta give, someday. I only hope that truth comes out the victor in this battle, because it means everything in the lives of those who follow. I don't want to see my nephew and niece leave the church later on in life and cause their parents even more pain than they deal with now, knowing that they are the only ones trying to conform to this system. And if either of them decide they want to leave, I will be their biggest supporter, I will help in anyway I can. This should be an individual's decision, not to be pressured by conformity, no threats of leaving your family behind, no thoughts of guilt and depression for not living a celestial law. Just be human, do good unto others, harm none. That should be simple enough.