Things I wish I had known when I first questioned the church

by Matt Berry

THE FIRST FEW SIGNPOSTS ON THE ROAD TO TRUTH:
1. God will not condemn an honest and sincere thought or question.
2. Truth does not BEGIN with an answer on behalf of which all questions must constantly rearrange themselves. If I want the truth I must begin with QUESTIONS, fearlessly, and let the answers arrive accordingly.
3. One of the most fearless Mormon assertions: "Choose/Do what is right, let the consequence follow."
4. Watch, don't listen. "Actions speak louder than words."
5. Fear, guilt, and filtered information are not means toward truth and a SPIRITUAL Testimony.
6. "Even if [fill-in ANY fear here], I will pursue Clarity and the Integrity of my own Mind."


Follow Mormon doctrine: become like God and you will understand God. As you pursue Truth and Integrity answers will arrive. Moreover, your ability to solve problems will improve as your understanding improves.
It is a very effective method of "proving" the church. However, as a warning, such an attempt could leave you emotionally ill: you cannot reconcile the ever-widening contradictions and at the same time keep the integrity of your own mind. Fearless honesty becomes a traumatic experience. Mormonism was not meant to be taken seriously.

WHAT "FREE AGENCY" IS NOT
Free Agency as taught by the church: "I am free to choose good or evil." Again, watch, don't listen. In practice, Mormon free agency is a sort of bondage. It amounts to: "If I obey authority and do not think for myself then I have "chosen" Good. If I do not obey authority and think for myself then I have chosen Evil." In short, Free Agency becomes: "I am free to arrive at authorized, ready-made answers, or free to fail."

REAL FREE AGENCY: PUTTING YOURSELF IN A POSITION TO MAKE AN UNBIASED CHOICE.
If it is not true that the physical environment, as engineered by the church, is keeping your testimony intact, then you should have no qualms about leaving that environment for a brief span of time. If you are worried that a physical separation might "lead you into temptation," then ask your bishop this question: Should a prospect for baptism go back to his/her Catholic priest to sort things out first or should that convert temporarily cut off all ties with Catholicism in order to make a free and unbiased choice? Follow his advice in your own decision-making.

Trust your own thoughts. Only time alone with your own thoughts will give you true Free Agency. Do not expect to hear a voice ... or receive a "sign" from God. This is no time to speculate about possible coincidences. Trust in reason, trust in beautiful thoughts, and trust in yourself. Remember God does not condemn your honest and sincere thoughts ... they are NOT evil.

THE TESTIMONIES YOU WILL HEAR AFTER YOU DECIDE TO LEAVE
No number of testimonies, no volume of tears or sobs, no number of signatures ... not the prophet of God, not Joseph Smith, not Donny and Marie, not Steve Young .... can change the fact that two plus two equals four ... and no number of testimonies can change the fact that "Truth can withstand scrutiny."When you have THIS TYPE OF TRUTH in your OWN understanding and have confirmed it within yourself, you do not need an external authority or celebrity to confirm or deny it.

Others are not so concerned with your eternal salvation as they are afraid of their own doubts. The individuation of a mind comes across as a threat to the group-mind. The reliance on authority and the testimony of others is largely responsible for this insecurity -- for which the "concern" is only a mask.

MORMON DOCTRINE IS NOT REALLY IN THE UNIQUE POSITION IT WOULD HAVE YOU BELIEVE.
Mormonism presents itself as an "all or nothing" proposal. "Mormonism is true or nothing else could possibly be true." The illusion is presented so unrelentingly that soon I begin to believe that reality itself is at stake.

THE WAGER: WHAT HAVE I GOT TO LOSE?
"If the Mormon doctrine is True, then I am saved. If it is not true, then what have I lost?"
Answer: You have lost your time on this Earth, your authenticity, your chance for happiness, your self-esteem, your chance to cultivate your intelligence, and more importantly, the integrity of your own mind.

TO OPPOSE A FALSEHOOD IS NOT THE SAME AS TO PURSUE A TRUTH.
The Truth does not arrive through resentment or anger against the church. One of the greatest obstacles to clarity of thought and a constructive set of beliefs is resentment.

I see no real difference between participating in the temple ceremony and that of bowing to Mecca. Truth is expressed poetically. I must not confuse the metaphor with the significance of the metaphor. A "Rose" may help express Beauty, but it is not Beauty itself. A ritual, a spiritual symbol might point out the truth to me .... but that ritual, that material symbol is not itself the truth. If the church, like a metaphor, is a vehicle, then I am free to choose another vehicle. I am only concerned with the goal signified, not with the signifier itself ... and such progression requires a joyful and clear state of mind, not a secret handshake.


*My Thoughts*

I chose to share this post with my readers here, to demonstrate that this is very similar to the path I took when searching for the truth. At one point, I lost the fear of discovering what I had believed was not true. I became prepared to receive the truth from whatever source, and once I committed to that, the dam burst, the windows blew out, and the walls crumbled. It was as if the keeper of the truth was waiting for my realization that I was no longer afraid to learn, to change my perspective and to accept the truth in its proper form and context, without having to mold it to my personal belief system or discard it as "not useful".

And I did ask for a confirmation, like I had been taught all throughout my youth as a Mormon. And I got what I asked for. I have more of a testimony that the church is NOT true than I ever had trying to force myself to believe the church MUST be true. Nobody wants to admit they were tricked, and nobody wants to have to deal with the consequences of devoting so much time and energy to an organization based on "omissions" of truth. I just got to the point where I wanted to know the answers at whatever the price, my own integrity and the health of my mind were at stake. I am healthier, stronger, and wiser now than I have ever been, or could have been if I had stayed within that space.

I know that a few people will see me as an angry, vengeful, resentful former member. And the only reason I appear that way is because of the one-sided nature of these posts. This is a burial-ground...sacred space to me. This is where I get to empty out all my hostility towards the ENTITY that is the church. The members are human, and fallible like we all are to some degree. And I know I cannot tear down the church with my pitiful little blog. But if you are reading my blog....don't just skip down to the My Thoughts portion and look for your signals and traces of personal attacks. Don't gloss over the pages looking for me to mention family members or specific situations so you can hold a grudge against me. There are real reasons why I left, real information they don't want you to read, and real possibilities that I COULD BE RIGHT.

Does the thought of that scare you? Why should it? They have no authority, no control over you unless YOU GIVE IT TO THEM. Quit shaking in fear when called to the bishop's office, he has no spiritual guidance, just gut feelings and a Church Handbook. Don't get all nervous when the Stake Presidency comes to interview you, they are just men who get no time to be with their families because they have this huge responsibility. They have no power to see into your mind or soul. Stop letting the Home teachers walk all over you when they come to check in on you. It's your house, you make the rules.

Take back your life, it's yours to live! Only those who submit can be ruled!