Would you want to know the truth?

There are times in my life where I feel that I would have been better off not knowing what I know today. Who wants to be avoided, scolded, and regarded as rebellious and full of sin? As far as I know, nobody would choose to have the private scorn of their family, nobody wants to be outcast. And yet, that is what has happened to me, ever since I sided with facts and intellect, instead of feelings and testimony. For this, I have sinned in their eyes, and I am unworthy of the rewards that they will receive for remaining faithful to their doctrine. My failure to submit to the authority of the church, and my desire to discover the truth, no matter where it lies has removed me from the closeness and acceptance of those family members who remain.

I'm lucky in most respects. I don't live in Utah for one, and we are a convert family, with only 1 sister out of 6 kids , and one parent remaining active in the church. I am the only other sibling that went through all the temple ceremonies and held callings, and did the Mormon thing as a way of life, the other siblings just drifted away after high school and never got active, or really believed in it, and the other parent never joined or attended. I DID believe, though. I didn't just go through the motions to gain acceptance, or else I could do it now with no problems. If I was faking it then, and never really believed, why would I make such a big deal out of resigning, and why would I continue to bring up issues and point out errors in logic if I never really cared about it in the first place? I would have followed the example of my other siblings and just drifted away. But no, I had to go all the way to the temple, really live the life, and try to follow all the rules. And now that I have left, I am actually WORSE off than my non-active siblings who never went to the temple or served missions or held a single calling. One has even joined the Catholic church. The others don't attend church at all, just like me. But I'm the one that gets called out, I'm the one that faces the brunt of their scrutiny for resigning from the church and actively posting about it on my personal blog. I'm the one who gets to have 'inspirational' emails and get reproved for my 'apostacy' with comments of: you know it's true, you just want to do the "don't list". Oh really? I've moved on to a life of crime, smoking crack and drinking myself stoned every night while my kids roam about the city vandalizing and stealing, and my house has turned into a brothel? Really? Only NON-Mormons have these tendencies right?

Somehow, in the last four years since I left, I have managed to raise kids who get A averages in school, who participate in dance and sports activities, band and music, and whose Saturday night activities consist of watching a movie in the local theater and then coming straight home. Meanwhile, I have not started smoking or doing drugs, and the last time I had an alcoholic beverage was probably New Year's Eve. So much for the "don't list". What is it that I am doing now that would be considered sinful? Just not conforming to the Mormon way of life, like wearing garments or following the Word of Wisdom? What about all those Diet Coke slurping, red meat eating, chocoholic Mormons? Are they adhering to the Word of Wisdom better than me? Does my lack of attendance in the local Mormon ward mean that I am spiritually devoid, or I have no sense of morality or values? Apparently so, as I am constantly lovebombed with emails of an uplifting spiritual nature, and never allowed an opportunity to respond in kind. I can't share my ideas or views with them, but somehow it hasn't occured to anyone that I am not willing to cast aside my intellect and all the knowledge I have gained in order to be accepted back into the fold. It's not possible at this point, and that in itself is very sad, because that's the one thing it would take, and it's the one thing I can't do.

I think back on that time when I had a decision to make. The very first time I came in contact with information that directly opposed what I had previously believed to be true. At that instant, I could choose to turn away, maintain my testimony at all costs, refuse to pursue it further because I felt all knotted up and twisted inside and I knew that was NOT making me feel warm and uplifted. I could live my whole life throwing up walls and making U-turns in order to keep my beliefs in tact, or I could follow the lead and see where it went. Surely I could determine right from wrong without having to depend on feelings for my guide. I believe the Holocaust was real because of the evidence supporting it. But the Holocaust does NOT invoke good warm feelings as an indicator of truth. If you were to ever tour the camps, or research the topic in the thousands of books or documentaries, diaries and tapes, you would come away with full knowledge of the times, but you probably wouldn't feel good about it. Learning about the Holocaust from the German perspective, however, would be a different story. No doubt it would be whitewashed, and explained in a way that would make it more palatable, more acceptable, and even necessary for the times. I bet the Nazis had little remorse for their actions, because they justified it as "God's inspiration" and sustained Adolf Hitler as their "chosen one". In my mind, learning about the Mormons from ONLY MORMONS is like learning about the Holocaust from only NAZIS. You will never get the whole story, and you will have to constantly reject any contradictory evidence in order to maintain your beliefs.

Would you want to know the truth, no matter the cost? Is truth important enough to you, that you would be willing to realign your life in order to obtain it? Would you be willing to adopt new beliefs in place of old ones, or are your current beliefs so core to your existence that you can't see yourself any other way?

I used to be that way too. What would I be if I wasn't Mormon? What else is there, besides all of the evils of the Christian denominations, or the (gasp) Catholic church? Am I supposed to revert all the way back to Judaism? What if I find evidence against the Bible too? Now do I have to renounce ALL religion, ALL beliefs in God or higher powers? The answer is in every individual. Most folks who leave remain Christian, if for no other reason than, that is what they were before Mormonism, and that is what brings them hope and peace. I'm all for that. Whatever works for you. What I am opposed to is the idea that you have to shut off the intake valve in order to maintain your current position. I would say to anyone who tells me not to read books that are not approved, or not to visit sites that are not safe, or not to associate with people whose ideas and beliefs are different from my own, that they might be happy limiting their light and knowledge to things that promote their own agenda, but I am on the path of constant discovery, enlightenment and knowledge. I am not going to jump off this train just because I run across ideas and opinions that make me think about my own place in the universe. I'm not going to avoid learning new things for fear of having to adopt new beliefs, or think for myself. I am willing to have unanswered questions, because I know that there is the possibility of finding the answer. Not having to settle for, "we can't know all God's doctrine at once" or "pray and read your scriptures" as fill ins for real concrete evidence is very liberating. I would choose this again and again, yes, truth is worth knowing, even if it means having to discard all previous beliefs. Acceptance of doctrine that doesn't agree with Biblical teaching is NOT Christian, plain and simple.

My main problem with Mormonism is that it claims to be Christian, promotes itself as Christian, claims Christ as it's center and it's focal point, and pulls people in with promises of belonging to the 'restored church'--WITHOUT any proof whatsoever. Their "proof" lies in the good feelings that new converts feel. The love and acceptance and feeling of belonging that all new members are swarmed with when they first arrive is supposed to be confirmation of their decision. They learn to rely on feelings, and are taught that questioning and doubts are the result of Satan chipping away their testimonies. They are then given the tools to ward off questions and doubts, and are shown how to maintain their beliefs through strict adherence of the doctrine, and avoidance of anything not 'uplifting' and in agreement with those teachings. Suddenly the focus becomes on the member, and how to keep them believing in the church. It becomes more about maintaining the belief in the doctrine presented, and less about how it became doctrine in the first place. Very rarely is Jesus ever spoken about, as if the subject has been so worn down that the church focuses mainly on how to keep growing, how to maintain testimonies, and how to keep tithes coming in. Joseph and Brigham get more mention than Jesus. ALL the leaders of the church get quoted more often than Jesus of the Bible. The Ensign and the manuals are used way more often than the Bible. And the Book of Mormon exists on the foundation of the life and times of Joseph Smith, his claims and his version of events. No other opinion is allowed to tarnish the reputation and the status of Joseph Smith as the chosen prophet. Without this fundamental belief, there is no basis for the other doctrines to be introduced and implemented. The church stands or falls on the strength of the Book of Mormon, and it's prophet Joseph Smith. The cornerstone of the church is NOT Jesus, but Joseph Smith. Nobody who is Mormon struggles with the idea that Jesus existed, was crucified and resurrected. Nobody who is Mormon doubts that Jesus had disciples or taught the Beatitudes or the Lord's Prayer. It's in the Bible. But the problems arise when having to accept that the Book of Mormon is another testament and that one man, Joseph Smith, was the chosen man to receive it. There is SO MUCH evidence to the contrary, the church has had to prescribe a method to its members in order to avoid discovering the truth. That method is to stay away, avoid, and limit access to people, places, and things that would contradict your belief. Why not build a commune with 25 foot walls, and hire guards to keep all detractors out? Because, that would look like a cult. That could ligitimately be considered a cult, and would be easily recognizable as a cult. So, here's the really hard question: What is the difference between physical 25 foot high walls keeping you safe and keeping all non-believers OUT, and the mental wall that the church leaders want you to build inside your mind in order to protect your testimony? A cage is a cage, whether inside or out. A wall is just as real inside your mind, or outside your home, if it gives you a sense of safety. A cult that expects you to cut off ties from your family and your previous life, and adhere to it's tenets of belief for safety and security is the same as a church that teaches it's members not to read literature not published by "safe" sources, or visit sites without the 'correct' logos, or associate with people who may bring up topics that will cause you to question your beliefs.

Would you want to know the truth? Are you satisfied with the knowledge given to you 'little by little', and wish to continue that path, being interviewed and examined all along the way?

If you were given a box, and told it was full of gold, but you can't open it, you have to simply believe it, then someone came strolling along and asked you why you were carrying around a box with worms, would you be tempted to look? Would you insist that its gold inside even when it was x-rayed? Would you refuse to believe eye-witness accounts of worms being poured inside? Would you continue to cling to the box, because you were told it's full of gold, and THAT is WAY BETTER than worms?


Those of us who left, opened the box and found the worms. Those that remain never open the box, and work all their lives maintaining the belief that there is gold inside, even when faced with opposing evidence. So, I ask you: Who is better off in the long run? Are we going to be damned by God for opening the box? Or does the church want you to THINK you will? And when thousands leave every year, and nothing happens to them (God doesn't curse or smite them), what does that say about the church? Are they still right?

I'm living proof that nothing happens either way. We should discern the truth ourselves, find our own paths, and not live life through coercion and control. We have freedom of choice, and we should use it in EVERY endeavor, not submit to others and let the choices be made for us. A God that punishes a sincere question, or casts us out for not adhering to one rigid code of conduct, is not a God I would acknowledge or worship.